This story was submitted by an anonymous sister as part of the #withloveyoursister, #domesticviolenceawarenessmonth campaign. This is her story, her voice, and her message.
Being married to someone for two decades, one might think there would be a solid bond of mutual trust, honesty, love and commitment between the husband & wife. But it takes a lot of hard work and a shared vision of a happy family. If one person has a self-centered vision, narcissistic tendencies, poor understanding of mutual respect, and believes in maintaining power & control, then naturally, all the other spouse is going feel after so many years is fear, confusion, disrespect, anger, or trapped in that marriage.
My husband was always good at playing mind games. All those psychological tactics used by him to manipulate and intimidate me used to make me feel somehow responsible, guilty and powerless. He invalidated my feelings, he would find faults in me to put me down, falsely accusing me, making himself the center of attention, ignoring my needs, and creating a disconnection between my family and friends. And when that didn’t work, he made up stories filled with half truths to try to turn my own family and his family and friends against me. Even though I suffered emotionally, it was the financial abuse in my marriage that further broke me down.
Financial abuse in my marriage was endless. I have seen couples who occasionally argue about money or bicker over bills, but in my case, my husband used to constantly put pressure on me. He tried controlling his and my income, and was never satisfied with my contributions. I never even wanted to work in the first place as I was not accustomed to the idea of the working woman during that time, and I was genuinely concerned about the well-being of my young kids in my absence. I didn’t want to leave them at the mercy of babysitters. But I was told things like ‘good wives must support their husbands financially’, ‘one salary is not enough’, or ‘we cannot afford a good standard of living unless we both are going to work’. To manipulate the financial situation, he restricted spending his money over both my and my kids’ basic needs of clothing, medicine and other necessities. I was drained due to this constant bickering. And in hopes of making the marriage work, I was left with no other option but to find a job. But even though I did as he said, he still wasn’t satisfied or content. He constantly demanded me to do more and pay more bills, while he saved a big chunk of his earnings.
It was all too much to handle. My family members were afraid of the divorce taboo, and so, the abuse continued.
I was not even aware of my rights as a Muslim woman. In Islam, there are clear guidelines about a husband’s obligation to provide, and share his wealth with his wife and children. Bearing the financial responsibility is on a husband. Islamic marriage is a blessed union of two individuals physically, emotionally, and legally with clear guidelines for both husband and wife.
But in our culture, we don’t seek Islamic knowledge when it comes to the marriage – we are too attached to the cultural labels and wrong ideas about woman sacrificing her life.
I was not aware of my rights and to be honest, not aware of some of my responsibilities that put me in a situation where my marriage was more like a burden.
Time went by, my sabr (patience) and my personal jihad (struggles) turned my weaknesses into my strengths. Alhamdu lillah (Ultimate praise and thanks to God), my situation is so different now as Allah subhana wa ta’ala (The Glorified and Exalted) has made my children my biggest support. Over the years, Ar-Razzak (The Provider) has provided so many opportunities to stabilize our financial conditions and my inner peace and emotional well-being. My babies now, as young adults, are my support.
I look around and see many women struggling and I wish I could help.
So I want to emphasize on creating awareness about rights & responsibilities of husbands and wives.
Through the knowledge of Quran and Hadeeth we can bring awareness.
Awareness that the wife has no financial responsibility towards the husband or the family. Whether she comes from an affluent family background or she earns good, she serves no duty to run the family (financially) in any way. If the wife wishes to contribute financially, she can do so but there is no obligation on her about the finances.
Awareness, so that divorce is not a taboo. And providing counselling to inform both parties that both husband and wife have to make compromises.
Make it compulsory to attend counselling sessions. In my opinion constant repetition of useful knowledge helps as we all need good reminders. Our Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, had advised on so many occasions about responsibilities towards wives. “Fear Allah in respect of women.” ; “The best of you are they who behave best to their wives.”; “A Muslim must not hate his wife, and if he be displeased with one bad quality in her, let him be pleased with one that is good.”
Reminders help the believing souls.
Arguments are inevitable in marital relationships, but as lifetime partners, spouses should be able to discern each other’s weaknesses. Also as family members and community members, if we notice red flags or clear wrong doing, it’s a must for us to offer as much help as possible.
Silence only helps the oppressor, never the victim.
Moreover, the Almighty says:
“…and do not help one another in sin and oppression; and be careful of (your duty to) Allah; surely Allah is severe in requiting evil.” (Surah Al Maida 5:2)
So in the end I want to conclude with saying – be part of the solution and not the problem.
Man and woman are the two basic pillars of a family, but men are endowed with some qualities that make them the guardians of their families. To maintain this position of a qawam, men have to fulfil those responsibilities towards their families.
May Allah (swt) bring peace in broken marriages and make spouses the coolness of their eyes. Ameen.
#withloveyoursister
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